Not Sure How To Say This

This post is very personal and raw. I am not in a good place, but I have to get this out of me. As I write these words I do not know if I will ever hit the publish button. I know I am not alone in my experience,but I feel very very alone.

I am pregnant and most likely going to miscarry. I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant, I had an IUD in. My husband and I very much believed we were done having kids. We have two wonderful girls that are full of life and energy. A lot of energy. They keep us on our toes and I was happy with the two of them. It seems like everyone thinks thoughts about what you should do with your reproductive life. We have two girls so it isn't unusual to have people ask: " aren't you going to try for a boy?" or "I'm sure your husband wants a son". He doesn't actually. He is quite content with the two handfuls we have, and besides our youngest could give most boys a run for their money. My world was rocked in early April when I felt a little off and decided to take a pregnancy test fully expecting it to be negative. I rushed off to the OBGYN, a doctor that I did not know and didn't know me. My wonderful OB had moved to another hospital. So I am talking to a stranger about WTF just happened. My office urine test at first was negative, so they did a second. The first turned slightly positive (yes one can be just a little bit pregnant). Anyway because the IUD there was a good chance this pregnancy was going to be tubal. This scared the hell out of me. So we did a blood test, which confirmed I was pregnant. A second blood test confirmed things "were progressing well" so in a week I had an ultrasound. Nothing was there. So another blood test, things were ok but levels were lower than expected. 2 weeks later another ultrasound a tiny sac was seen, at least I no longer had to worry about it not being in my uterus. This didn't necessarily make sense, but maybe you're earlier than we think. In my head none of this was adding up. I tend toward logic and reason, I do tons (maybe too much) research. I don't just Google websites I go into research journals. I know that with statistics there are outliers, and if this experience has taught me anything its how little doctors and scientists really know about early pregnancy. So much of it is well could be abnormal or could be completely normal we just don't know. The IUD I was using left me with a .7% chance of pregnancy. I already am an outlier, I kinda found hope in this that maybe things will be ok I ovulated late and his sperm just live for a long time. I dunno I was reaching for any form of hope, yet my gut kept telling me that this isn't meant to be. Fast forward to this weekend, Mother's day weekend. I started spotting on Friday and went to the ER on Saturday. In 9 days the sac has hardly grown. The ER doctor has been the most honest with me in saying that she would expect things to be further along than they are. She tried to be hopeful by saying that things are not set in stone, and since they know so little about early pregnancy progression things may work out, but that I should prepare for the worst. I had thought I already was. I was wrong. Before this pregnancy I was empathetic to women who have had or are going through miscarriages. I had no clue how devastating this really is. My heart aches in ways I didn't know it could. It feels as though I am losing a child. I am losing a child, a child who I will never get to see grow. That will never drive me bonkers. Toes I'll never get to kiss. I will never get to bond with, and hold, and love. It is unbelievably heartbreaking. Yet most of the time I cannot express how sad I am. Many people don't know I am pregnant, my older two have no idea. I don't want them to have their hopes up for a sibling that will never come. I have to be normal in front of them, I have to hide the sadness. My husband tries to be understanding and I know he is going through his own version of this hell. We've talked about it, he hates how out of his control this whole thing is. Heh, tell me about it it is in my fucking body and I have no way to help. The not knowing is hard, I have been in this limbo for over a month. I kept saying I am trying not to connect with being pregnant, trying to keep distant, it just isn't possible for me. Though I was surprised and scared when I found out I was pregnant I quickly started to fall in love with my baby. This baby that will most likely never be. I will not be the same after this loss. I do not regret this happening, it is a part of my life and my history. I will always remember this time, and try to grow from it. Try to be a better friend to woman going through this type of loss. The grieving is very deep and very real. I so desperately want to cling to that small hope that all of this will be ok, but the logical part of me wants to let go now so I don't hurt again later. Right now I feel lost, and alone. I want comfort, but don't want to talk to people. Maybe that's why I felt the urge to write about it. The anonymity of the internet. I can buffer the contact, it isn't quite as draining. I also know I needed to get it out of me, that I have been tearing myself up for days holding all the pain in. It is ok for me to be sad, I am working on accepting this.
I hope for someone these words help in some way.

Peace and Love
Jay

New Adventures

     So in a previous post I brought up changes I want to make. Like many others I have become interested in a more "natural" lifestyle. I am bothered by the amount of chemicals that we are surrounding ourselves with and putting into our bodies. As a mother I am particularly concerned with how this effects my children. My oldest daughter who is now 6 has had eczema since she was about 4 weeks old. So very early on I removed dyes and scents from our detergent, I did this by buying commercial dye and scent free detergent. We did everything the doctors recommended yet her eczema persisted. Her skin cracked and oozed. I would look at her poor cracked knuckles and try very hard not to cry. She would cry out when the medicine and lotions made her skin burn. I was at a loss, what else can I do? So I started looking at other methods. Our first and most substantial change to date is making our own laundry soap. This simple change has helped her skin so much. She isn't 100% clear, but her skin is not cracking, she has no oozing and when we put her lotions on she is not in pain. I also love the convenience of making my own laundry soap. When we run low no need to head to the store at 9pm on a Tuesday night because that shirt HAS to be clean tomorrow. No just take 20 min in the kitchen and viola! In a recent Twitter conversation I spontaneously documented the process and realized how quick and easy it really is. I started doing this around March 2013 I've only had to make soap a total of 3 times and has cost us less than 10.00 total. Pretty freaking awesome when a large container of our previous commercial detergent cost between 15 and 20 dollars. Our clothes are as clean if not cleaner, actually smell clean even though there is no fragrance in the homemade soap. This adventure into homemade laundry soap has me thinking about what else we can do for ourselves.
    I have taken to trying to find easy and convenient ways to do things for ourselves. The more I think on it the more I realize that as a society we have lost how to do things. Easy things, making spaghetti sauce for instance. Until recently I have ALWAYS bought sauce. My parents for a large portion of my life bought sauce. It is "easier" than making our own. While in a pinch this is true but if you plan a little you can make your own without the chemical additive and freeze or can (if you know how, another lost art for large numbers of us) as many as you would buy. The more I think about it the more frustrated I get by how expensive things are and how much we have lost. I do not know how to can, I know my parents have done it when they make homemade pickles (which are awesome btw, nothing better than homemade award winning dill pickles). This is a process I was never interested in but now see the value in. I also have the blackest thumb known to man, I kill any and every plant. I do see the value in growing our own food. I desperately want to learn how to garden. This spring we will be trying, something small. Lettuce, tomatoes, a few other veggies. Strawberry plants for the kids. I want to be able to look in our backyard and have pride in what we have done. My husband thinks I have lost it most of the time though he has been impressed with some of the new recipes I have tried. He is being supportive though which I really appreciate. Small steps are important though. I keep reigning myself in a bit. One or two changes at a time so we don't get overwhelmed. I have started making shampoo as well. The recipe I have tried seems to work ok on the girls hair, not so much on mine so some tweaking will be occurring.
     Today will bring another new adventure my package of supplies to make body butter has arrived!! So excited to try this, this should help my daughter's skin heal much better than store bought lotions. I fully plan on taking advantage of staying home with a sick child by trying something new and exciting. I am excited to try these new things to become more self-sufficient to learn old things. I am documenting our adventure as a family because one it's fun and two maybe a person or two might find it helpful. Look for a post soon about shea body butter and about how the garden will progress. woohoo! Feel free to email suggestions/comments to jaygurrlie@gmail.com or follow me on Twitter @jaygurrl.

Peace and Love
Jay

As One Year Ends, Another Begins

     Tis the season to reflect on the past year and think about what this year has been. What have been my struggles, what have I excelled at? What do I want to keep doing, where can I improve? First and foremost I have been quite the slacker in my blogging. I cannot believe I had not written a single word on this blog since September. I had hardly thought about it, not because I didn't want to write I just couldn't find a spare moment. Full time work plus full time school totally kicked my behind this semester. I do not know my total word count for school this semester but it was quite high on top of all the reading and research I also had to do. Per usual this has led to some self-neglect. I have barely taken the time to look at this blog. I have missed writing. Writing this blog has allowed me to look at some things more objectively, which I am definitely missing. Over the past year I have appreciated the perspective writing has given me. This year I have also read more. I have read more blogs, have fallen in love with Colleen Vanderlinden's HIDDEN webserial. If you aren't reading it you should be! Buy the first two books on Amazon here. Season 3 is well on it's way and you can read that here. I look forward to Mondays now and it is all her fault! :-) 
     2013 wasn't all happiness and self-growth. There has been loss both in game and out. There has been large amounts of unhealthy stress and where in 2012 I took time to work on my health I feel that I seriously fell off of that wagon in 2013. 2013 felt like a whirlwind of activity. My body is feeling the pain of that. Recently, I lost my guild in WoW. Circumstances happen, drama occurs, and we have to move on. I am trying to. For the first time in a couple of months I have looked forward to logging in. For one it is currently guiltless since I am not neglecting school to play, but also, I am enjoying the new people I am meeting in the @TwistedNationKT. It was nice to be welcomed with open arms. I am still sorting out who is who and what is what, but I have enjoyed everyone I have met and am looking forward to spending more time there. 
     In life there is always room to grow and that is what I want for my 2014. I want to grow in every way possible. I want to become healthier physically and emotionally. I want my relationships to grow. I want to feel more balanced. I tend to be a person who finds the new thing I HAVE TO DO!! Then I over do it, and all motivation is lost. I have some changes I need to make, the most important I think is moderation, finding balance. Part of that balance is knowing when I am doing too much. I am not making resolutions this year, I have never ever kept them. So this year I am working with some goals for changes I want to see. General types of things, and not expecting perfection of myself. I want to make small changes that allow for better balance. I recently have been thinking of some new hobbies I want to try out. Things that will benefit my family and give me a sense of satisfaction and completion. I have been cooking a lot, love cooking. I want to make a small garden for the spring/summer. I always say I have a black thumb, in reality it is laziness that stops me from watering the plants. Black thumb is an excuse. I know I am capable of growing a small garden, I want to really try. I do not want to jump in and over do it and grow all the things because I know that I won't be successful at that. I also really, really, REALLY want to make some body lotion/butter for my eczema child. I already make our own laundry soap I think this will help with the last few stubborn areas. I am thinking that I might try to use the blog to document these misadventures. The internet can be my accountabilibuddy! We shall see.
     At the end of January school starts back up, again I have a full schedule. I know I'll be absent a lot during this time. I will allow myself to write when I can and when there is something I want to say/get out. I have always used this blog as more of a journal that others can read. Which for someone who is as private as I am is kinda odd really... Sure there is something there for me to analyze later, but not now. Now is the time to wrap up my ramblings and say Happy New Year to all of you, I hope 2014 is everything you need it to be. 

Peace and Love,
Jay

Angsty

So school has started, and I have already felt crazy pressure. Grad school isn't easy; not that I expected it to be. Some days I just want to curl into a ball and pretend life hasn't happened. Pretend I am still a child with child like dreams... silly I know, but some days that is how I feel. Then there are days like today when I realize that the struggles are worth it. The bullshit of life is so very worth it, and even though I do not know where this path will take me that is the point. I am on a journey making and developing relationships, discovering who my children are, understanding my husband just a bit better. This is the only life I will ever have, even if I believe in reincarnation, it will be different next time. If I let the angsty bullshit of life drag me down who do I hurt? Life? No me and those around me. I am trying to live differently, to live openly. I have always been an introvert. I am the bubbliest introvert you'll ever meet. I keep my feelings close, fragile little things that break way to easy to trust with the world.  Irony of all of this is that I am in a training program to become a counselor. Working on me in the end makes me a better counselor, it also makes me a better person. I have made so many mistakes in life, so so many. Mostly because I was unwilling to change, I would rather break then bend. It isn't worth it, the pain and fear. The grad school adventure has changed me in many ways. For the better I hope. 
This has been a complete random mess of a post. I feel better for it. As the semester goes on my posts may be less frequent, but always heart felt. <3

Happy Monday
Peace and Love
Jay

Girls Weekend

So the hubs is away and it's just us gurls. The three of us. As I write this the youngest is snuggled behind me in my chair, oldest is vegged out on the bed to my right. I love these girls, they make me smile and feel so loved. Other moments I want to pull my hair out, but what ya gunna do? They're kids. I couldn't be prouder of the lil geeks I'm raising. My girls recognize the music of WoW, Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings, and many other things. They love the Avengers (I think we will need to make our first trip to a comic bookstore soon). The other morning when driving oldest to school they were having some imaginary play in the backseat involving Repunzel, within the 20 minute drive there were witches, The Doctor, Spider-man, and an evil step-mother. All I could do is smile and be proud that they are becoming well rounded. There is still a bit too much princess in their life I think, I would rather it be rough and tumble independent women play. The princess stuff doesn't teach them that, it teaches them to wait for a man to rescue them. Having girls it is a bit unavoidable unless you want to offend every person in your life that things every girl needs a princess book that talks about their wedding plans... So I hide those books, and let them turn their princess dolls into Daleks. As much as I have struggled to find myself and my geekiness, and to accept it, I never want to do that to my kids. My kids are quirky and imaginative. I LOVE it!! Can't wait to introduce them to more stuff and to learn about that stuff myself with them. After all I am walking into the world I denied myself for far too long. We will do it together. Happy Saturday!!

Peace and Love,
Jay

Life and times

So this week I have started back into Diablo III. I am suddenly a bit obsessed. I'm not sure why. I liked it at launch but never dove into it full force. I started with a fresh demon hunter and I loves her. She blows shit up like you wouldn't believe. Now its possible that if I'd started with her I would have fallen in love long ago. I haven't touched WoW in days, which happens from time to time. I have been feeling a bit burned out so it qas a good time to try out something else. Since I play Diablo solo it feeds my inner introvert which I think I've been lacking lately. It's a great feeling to find a game to love. Now if I could get a Heathstone beta key that would make my week.

Peace and Love
Jay.

Rough days

So lately life has been a quite stressful and while I have often used this blog to vent that is not my goal today. Today I want to talk about gaming as a form of self care. (Aka stress relief) Some days I just want to come home and melt some face. This oddly enough has been difficult lately since I've been raiding as a healer and my time is limited. I had to have a hard conversation with my hubby who is also our raid leader. With school starting back up I have to stop raiding at least for awhile. I'm sad but also a bit excited about this. It frees up my game time to experience all the things I haven't been able to. I will get to play different toons, pet battle (I still have no pets to 25). I still get to be social I'm in vent I may even change my priests gear around to be dps back up when I can be there for raid. But letting go released a lot of stress for me. I feel like my stress relief became a stressor, and now I can go back to enjoying my gaming life a bit more. The lesson I've learned is it's important to keep balance in all things even my hobbies. On that note; Happy Friday all!!
Peace and Love,
Jay