Monday, May 12, 2014

Not Sure How To Say This

This post is very personal and raw. I am not in a good place, but I have to get this out of me. As I write these words I do not know if I will ever hit the publish button. I know I am not alone in my experience,but I feel very very alone.

I am pregnant and most likely going to miscarry. I wasn't supposed to be able to get pregnant, I had an IUD in. My husband and I very much believed we were done having kids. We have two wonderful girls that are full of life and energy. A lot of energy. They keep us on our toes and I was happy with the two of them. It seems like everyone thinks thoughts about what you should do with your reproductive life. We have two girls so it isn't unusual to have people ask: " aren't you going to try for a boy?" or "I'm sure your husband wants a son". He doesn't actually. He is quite content with the two handfuls we have, and besides our youngest could give most boys a run for their money. My world was rocked in early April when I felt a little off and decided to take a pregnancy test fully expecting it to be negative. I rushed off to the OBGYN, a doctor that I did not know and didn't know me. My wonderful OB had moved to another hospital. So I am talking to a stranger about WTF just happened. My office urine test at first was negative, so they did a second. The first turned slightly positive (yes one can be just a little bit pregnant). Anyway because the IUD there was a good chance this pregnancy was going to be tubal. This scared the hell out of me. So we did a blood test, which confirmed I was pregnant. A second blood test confirmed things "were progressing well" so in a week I had an ultrasound. Nothing was there. So another blood test, things were ok but levels were lower than expected. 2 weeks later another ultrasound a tiny sac was seen, at least I no longer had to worry about it not being in my uterus. This didn't necessarily make sense, but maybe you're earlier than we think. In my head none of this was adding up. I tend toward logic and reason, I do tons (maybe too much) research. I don't just Google websites I go into research journals. I know that with statistics there are outliers, and if this experience has taught me anything its how little doctors and scientists really know about early pregnancy. So much of it is well could be abnormal or could be completely normal we just don't know. The IUD I was using left me with a .7% chance of pregnancy. I already am an outlier, I kinda found hope in this that maybe things will be ok I ovulated late and his sperm just live for a long time. I dunno I was reaching for any form of hope, yet my gut kept telling me that this isn't meant to be. Fast forward to this weekend, Mother's day weekend. I started spotting on Friday and went to the ER on Saturday. In 9 days the sac has hardly grown. The ER doctor has been the most honest with me in saying that she would expect things to be further along than they are. She tried to be hopeful by saying that things are not set in stone, and since they know so little about early pregnancy progression things may work out, but that I should prepare for the worst. I had thought I already was. I was wrong. Before this pregnancy I was empathetic to women who have had or are going through miscarriages. I had no clue how devastating this really is. My heart aches in ways I didn't know it could. It feels as though I am losing a child. I am losing a child, a child who I will never get to see grow. That will never drive me bonkers. Toes I'll never get to kiss. I will never get to bond with, and hold, and love. It is unbelievably heartbreaking. Yet most of the time I cannot express how sad I am. Many people don't know I am pregnant, my older two have no idea. I don't want them to have their hopes up for a sibling that will never come. I have to be normal in front of them, I have to hide the sadness. My husband tries to be understanding and I know he is going through his own version of this hell. We've talked about it, he hates how out of his control this whole thing is. Heh, tell me about it it is in my fucking body and I have no way to help. The not knowing is hard, I have been in this limbo for over a month. I kept saying I am trying not to connect with being pregnant, trying to keep distant, it just isn't possible for me. Though I was surprised and scared when I found out I was pregnant I quickly started to fall in love with my baby. This baby that will most likely never be. I will not be the same after this loss. I do not regret this happening, it is a part of my life and my history. I will always remember this time, and try to grow from it. Try to be a better friend to woman going through this type of loss. The grieving is very deep and very real. I so desperately want to cling to that small hope that all of this will be ok, but the logical part of me wants to let go now so I don't hurt again later. Right now I feel lost, and alone. I want comfort, but don't want to talk to people. Maybe that's why I felt the urge to write about it. The anonymity of the internet. I can buffer the contact, it isn't quite as draining. I also know I needed to get it out of me, that I have been tearing myself up for days holding all the pain in. It is ok for me to be sad, I am working on accepting this.
I hope for someone these words help in some way.

Peace and Love


  1. I am so, so sorry to hear that you are going through such a heartbreaking experience. I truly hope that you and your husband are okay <3

    1. Thank you. We are, the loss was confirmed a week later. It has been a hard few weeks, but we are back on our feet. Taking joy in our two girls and moving forward.