As One Year Ends, Another Begins

     Tis the season to reflect on the past year and think about what this year has been. What have been my struggles, what have I excelled at? What do I want to keep doing, where can I improve? First and foremost I have been quite the slacker in my blogging. I cannot believe I had not written a single word on this blog since September. I had hardly thought about it, not because I didn't want to write I just couldn't find a spare moment. Full time work plus full time school totally kicked my behind this semester. I do not know my total word count for school this semester but it was quite high on top of all the reading and research I also had to do. Per usual this has led to some self-neglect. I have barely taken the time to look at this blog. I have missed writing. Writing this blog has allowed me to look at some things more objectively, which I am definitely missing. Over the past year I have appreciated the perspective writing has given me. This year I have also read more. I have read more blogs, have fallen in love with Colleen Vanderlinden's HIDDEN webserial. If you aren't reading it you should be! Buy the first two books on Amazon here. Season 3 is well on it's way and you can read that here. I look forward to Mondays now and it is all her fault! :-) 
     2013 wasn't all happiness and self-growth. There has been loss both in game and out. There has been large amounts of unhealthy stress and where in 2012 I took time to work on my health I feel that I seriously fell off of that wagon in 2013. 2013 felt like a whirlwind of activity. My body is feeling the pain of that. Recently, I lost my guild in WoW. Circumstances happen, drama occurs, and we have to move on. I am trying to. For the first time in a couple of months I have looked forward to logging in. For one it is currently guiltless since I am not neglecting school to play, but also, I am enjoying the new people I am meeting in the @TwistedNationKT. It was nice to be welcomed with open arms. I am still sorting out who is who and what is what, but I have enjoyed everyone I have met and am looking forward to spending more time there. 
     In life there is always room to grow and that is what I want for my 2014. I want to grow in every way possible. I want to become healthier physically and emotionally. I want my relationships to grow. I want to feel more balanced. I tend to be a person who finds the new thing I HAVE TO DO!! Then I over do it, and all motivation is lost. I have some changes I need to make, the most important I think is moderation, finding balance. Part of that balance is knowing when I am doing too much. I am not making resolutions this year, I have never ever kept them. So this year I am working with some goals for changes I want to see. General types of things, and not expecting perfection of myself. I want to make small changes that allow for better balance. I recently have been thinking of some new hobbies I want to try out. Things that will benefit my family and give me a sense of satisfaction and completion. I have been cooking a lot, love cooking. I want to make a small garden for the spring/summer. I always say I have a black thumb, in reality it is laziness that stops me from watering the plants. Black thumb is an excuse. I know I am capable of growing a small garden, I want to really try. I do not want to jump in and over do it and grow all the things because I know that I won't be successful at that. I also really, really, REALLY want to make some body lotion/butter for my eczema child. I already make our own laundry soap I think this will help with the last few stubborn areas. I am thinking that I might try to use the blog to document these misadventures. The internet can be my accountabilibuddy! We shall see.
     At the end of January school starts back up, again I have a full schedule. I know I'll be absent a lot during this time. I will allow myself to write when I can and when there is something I want to say/get out. I have always used this blog as more of a journal that others can read. Which for someone who is as private as I am is kinda odd really... Sure there is something there for me to analyze later, but not now. Now is the time to wrap up my ramblings and say Happy New Year to all of you, I hope 2014 is everything you need it to be. 

Peace and Love,
Jay

Angsty

So school has started, and I have already felt crazy pressure. Grad school isn't easy; not that I expected it to be. Some days I just want to curl into a ball and pretend life hasn't happened. Pretend I am still a child with child like dreams... silly I know, but some days that is how I feel. Then there are days like today when I realize that the struggles are worth it. The bullshit of life is so very worth it, and even though I do not know where this path will take me that is the point. I am on a journey making and developing relationships, discovering who my children are, understanding my husband just a bit better. This is the only life I will ever have, even if I believe in reincarnation, it will be different next time. If I let the angsty bullshit of life drag me down who do I hurt? Life? No me and those around me. I am trying to live differently, to live openly. I have always been an introvert. I am the bubbliest introvert you'll ever meet. I keep my feelings close, fragile little things that break way to easy to trust with the world.  Irony of all of this is that I am in a training program to become a counselor. Working on me in the end makes me a better counselor, it also makes me a better person. I have made so many mistakes in life, so so many. Mostly because I was unwilling to change, I would rather break then bend. It isn't worth it, the pain and fear. The grad school adventure has changed me in many ways. For the better I hope. 
This has been a complete random mess of a post. I feel better for it. As the semester goes on my posts may be less frequent, but always heart felt. <3

Happy Monday
Peace and Love
Jay

Girls Weekend

So the hubs is away and it's just us gurls. The three of us. As I write this the youngest is snuggled behind me in my chair, oldest is vegged out on the bed to my right. I love these girls, they make me smile and feel so loved. Other moments I want to pull my hair out, but what ya gunna do? They're kids. I couldn't be prouder of the lil geeks I'm raising. My girls recognize the music of WoW, Doctor Who, Lord of the Rings, and many other things. They love the Avengers (I think we will need to make our first trip to a comic bookstore soon). The other morning when driving oldest to school they were having some imaginary play in the backseat involving Repunzel, within the 20 minute drive there were witches, The Doctor, Spider-man, and an evil step-mother. All I could do is smile and be proud that they are becoming well rounded. There is still a bit too much princess in their life I think, I would rather it be rough and tumble independent women play. The princess stuff doesn't teach them that, it teaches them to wait for a man to rescue them. Having girls it is a bit unavoidable unless you want to offend every person in your life that things every girl needs a princess book that talks about their wedding plans... So I hide those books, and let them turn their princess dolls into Daleks. As much as I have struggled to find myself and my geekiness, and to accept it, I never want to do that to my kids. My kids are quirky and imaginative. I LOVE it!! Can't wait to introduce them to more stuff and to learn about that stuff myself with them. After all I am walking into the world I denied myself for far too long. We will do it together. Happy Saturday!!

Peace and Love,
Jay

Life and times

So this week I have started back into Diablo III. I am suddenly a bit obsessed. I'm not sure why. I liked it at launch but never dove into it full force. I started with a fresh demon hunter and I loves her. She blows shit up like you wouldn't believe. Now its possible that if I'd started with her I would have fallen in love long ago. I haven't touched WoW in days, which happens from time to time. I have been feeling a bit burned out so it qas a good time to try out something else. Since I play Diablo solo it feeds my inner introvert which I think I've been lacking lately. It's a great feeling to find a game to love. Now if I could get a Heathstone beta key that would make my week.

Peace and Love
Jay.

Rough days

So lately life has been a quite stressful and while I have often used this blog to vent that is not my goal today. Today I want to talk about gaming as a form of self care. (Aka stress relief) Some days I just want to come home and melt some face. This oddly enough has been difficult lately since I've been raiding as a healer and my time is limited. I had to have a hard conversation with my hubby who is also our raid leader. With school starting back up I have to stop raiding at least for awhile. I'm sad but also a bit excited about this. It frees up my game time to experience all the things I haven't been able to. I will get to play different toons, pet battle (I still have no pets to 25). I still get to be social I'm in vent I may even change my priests gear around to be dps back up when I can be there for raid. But letting go released a lot of stress for me. I feel like my stress relief became a stressor, and now I can go back to enjoying my gaming life a bit more. The lesson I've learned is it's important to keep balance in all things even my hobbies. On that note; Happy Friday all!!
Peace and Love,
Jay

Where I am.

Six months ago I was talking to my husband about our experience as a couple in WoW and how that had shaped the way our relationship currently looks. WoW took a toll on us, which I explained briefly in my first post. I had recently found the Twitter community, and I wanted to share our story. I figured we couldn't be that unique and had hoped that people relate to our story. We decided that I should start a blog about how I am a closeted geek, quite the inside joke. I don't feel so closeted any more, I don't hide my gaming as much, and I am much more open with my geeky references.  I was hesitant to start the blog I am not a writer, I have never aspired to be a writer. I write when I have to, I write for school and work. I was surprised at how much I enjoy writing. It has a bit of catharsis to it, but it is more than that. The few comments I have gotten brighten my day. Just completing a post gives me a sense of accomplishment. I haven't shared with many people that I write occasionally in my own blog, nor what I write about. While I am not concerned about what the few people that read my blog think about my writing skills or my opinions, the thoughts of those who surround me is very important to me. Their judgment scares me to death. So I avoid it and don't tell them.
I am rambling again, the point I was wanting to get to is that I have started to love blogging and I want to do it more. I thought I would have more time to carve out without being in school, but that has just not happened. Self-discipline is in order I think along with not just talking about WoW. WoW is hardly the biggest part of my life, there are so many things that are catching my interest daily. My posts will hopefully be broader and more frequent. One post a week is my goal. We'll see if I get there and maybe, just maybe I'll tell someone that knows me that I write... Thanks for reading

Peace and Love,
Jay

Blink twice

I remember being a child and hearing the adults all talk about how time flies. The surprise at how much older you are, like they only saw you a day ago when it has been years. As a chikd I felt everyday of those years they dragged on and on. Then one day I grew up and now I hear those same words out of my mouth "oh my god you can't be in high school you were just a baby". Days fly by in a blink. Blink twice and 6 months is gone. This weekend we are celebrating my minions birthdays. Oldest will be 6 on Sunday. Perfect father's day gift. The babe will be 4 next month so due to hectic schedules we are combining friend parties and will have a family gathering next  month. I cannot believe how fast these years have flown. Each day gets shorter and shorter.  It feels as though I was just giving birth. My kids are my world but I worry about how hectic I feel. Do they know how loved they are? Do I create enough special moments?  I try. I hope they are enjoying their childhood. I loved mine and somedays I miss the eternity that one day could be. One day their days too will be gone in the blink of an eye.

Happy Friday

So yay I transferred my pally back to a blood elf. She's back to her happy self. I didn't want to stop playing her.  Finally went to bed aftee midnight. Super late for an old person like me! But I'm a super excited about working on her and seeing horde perspective. Wow geekery in full force today :-)

Peace and love,
Jay

How time flies

So once again its nearly been a month since I last posted. School is over yet I still have hardly played any WoW. Adult priorities and all :-). I have also been thinking about what I want this blog to be. I enjoy many things in life and I find myself in a time of transition right now. As a woman in my 30s I thought I was "done" with the whole growing pains, but apparently I was wrong. I am finding myself looking at who I am and where I want to be. A part of my growth may be this blog. Sharing myself and my adventures as a whole. As I progress I will share and process here. I want to allow others to share as well. Are you embracing your change? Let me know.  Share in comments or follow me on Twitter @Jaygurrl

Progression

So excited, we finally got down the blade lord!! It has taken us a long time. I have missed out on most of the big kills, and was so excited to be there last night. I am not an experienced raider at all, and we are very casual. (only raid 3 hours a week) I am so proud of all of us, and myself. I am always skeptical of my healing abilities. Still new to it and all. Any way I wanted to share my joy. It isn't heroics or even the current tier but it is progression and I couldn't be happier! :-) bring on the rest of HoF! With school wrapping up there is a good possibility I will get to be there for the rest. Yay! Hope you all are well.

Peace and Love
Jay

Its been so long!

Why is it that whenever I find a hobby
I like life makes it hard to keep up? Between life, school, etc etc I have hardly logged any WoW time let alone found time to blog about it. :(. Well today I get to make a short post. Yay! I am bummed! I didn't get through school of hard knocks so no meta achieve or what a long strange trip it's been this year. I will hopefully finish up midsummer later this year then school of hard knocks is all I will have left to do for next year. I'm gunna be like a kid waiting for Christmas.
The last month or so has been real hard in my personal life. Because of this I have learned a big lesson about self care and I know my WoW time is a big part of that for me. It is stress relief, it's social, and helps me relax. I am so grateful for the friendships I have made through WoW these friends have helped me through some rough days. As things get better and school comes to a close for the semester I am looking forward to writing about some of the topics I have brewing. So keep a look out some more stuff should be coming your way.
Peace and love
Jay

Happy Easter

Happy Easter to all if you celebrate it. If not, have a wonderful Sunday. I am looking forward to Nobel Garden, I am trying to finally get my what a long, strange trip it's been achievement. Wish me luck! Hope everyone is doing well and enjoying time with family and friends. This is what makes life worth it, and if you can spend some time with your Azerothian friends all the better :)

Peace and Love
Jay

My Favorite WoW Things

Happy Thursday All!

     Life has been crazy and I haven't been able to write as much as I would like. That is just how things are sometimes. As I was reading over my previous posts I came to a realization. Most of them are a little soap boxy, and while I think I have valid points in them I wanted to share my more fun and quirky side this time. I am far less serious than I have let on. So onto the list: My Favorite WoW Things!!

1. That moment when you complete an epic quest chain and you have helped to accomplish some insanely difficult task. One of the best moments ever! Makes me feel awesome and I have to tell EVERYONE!! 
2. Similarly, killing rares with my friends. Gathering up, taking on this huge boss together and burning it down and looting it! 
3. Did I mention loot? Loot is awesome... even if it is mostly 28 gold.
4. Mounts, I recently have discovered I do love collecting mounts, working on my 100 mounts achievement. 14 more to go I think... Once I get it I will be soooooo excited. Then I'll have to start plugging away at the new 200 achieve.
5. It hasn't happened yet, but it's coming and I don't think we know how to get it yet but I am so excited for the Faerie Dragon Mount. OMG!! looks sooo amazing and I want I want I want!! 
6. My friends!! All the amazing people I have met through WoW. We laugh, we cry, we make fart jokes and that's awesome :-).
7. WoW Monopoly, because it's Monopoly and it's WoW. Enough said!
8. The WoW Twitter community, I had no idea it was out there until I found it. They are great supportive people and I am so happy I did. I have learned so much more about WoW and it's impact on people than I knew was possible. 
9. WoW Podcasts, they keep me occupied at work and up to date on the latest news. Makes my work week fly by.
10. WoW is family time. I play with my husband, and now his mom plays too.  Gives us a common hobby and I can't help but smile when my youngest asks me: "Mom are you playing Heals is a Panda?" (My priest is named Healette and I race changed her to a panda when mists came out). I think its freaking adorable, and my kids love dragons too! :-).

I could go on and on about all the things I love about WoW and the community that surrounds it, but I'll stop here... for now. Feel free to share with me what your favorite WoW things are in the comments below or follow me on Twitter @Jaygurrl

Peace and Love

Jay

My WoW Family

      It has been awhile since I have posted, life has been hectic. This topic is one that has been on my heart for a while and I wanted to share. Enjoy! :)

        I have to say one of the things that has impressed me the most with WoW is the community. The first 8 months or so I played I played solo. My husband encouraged me to play but never required or even advised me to play Alliance like he did, or maybe he did and I have forgotten. Regardless, I decided on a Blood Elf Paladin for my first toon. She was so pretty. (I know he never advised me to go hunter, which would have saved my pixilated life at least through the starting zone, yes I died in the starting zone). My previous gaming experience while not nonexistent was definitely limited, and what I did play I was notoriously bad at. I love love love the Zelda series and yeah that was about it. I dabbled a bit in God of War and we would have Mario Party well parties but the concept of what a MMO was or meant was beyond my fragile little mind. I didn’t talk to people, didn’t join a guild and this was before LFD so I didn’t try to PUG dungeons. I waited until I could solo them. I did love the stories in the game that was what drew me in. I was extremely casual, I think it took me close to 8 months to get said pally to 80.

        About the time I got Sparkette to 80 I decided to level a toon on the Alliance side so I could play with my hubby, I was watching him raid and interact with his friends and I was like hmm… now that looks like fun. So I made my Draenei mage, and I totally fell in love. Because I was playing with my hubby at this time I got to see the social side of WoW that I had hidden from for close to a year. I was in a guild and listening to vent, still wasn’t brave enough to talk, well that or I didn’t have a mic. Anyway I was that weird creeper that says nothing yet hovers in vent listening. About the time that Cata was going to launch and my pretty mageymage was getting close to 80 and Hubs decided to switch servers, so off I went with him to a land of STRAGERS!! I was terrified! It was the first day of HS all over again. But with wonderful luck and a fantastic coincidence the second day on the server we found our guild. This guild has been perfect for me, a fun supportive group of friends. And they are true friends. Through our friendship I have learned a lot about myself and how I relate to others. My quirkiness is absolutely ok and is matched by their quirkiness. It is just a great group of people.

        It took me a long while but I finally got it, I got why people log in everyday to do nothing but sit on their mount on the top of a roof in Stormwind and talk for hours, or just run a BG together. I enjoy the game 10x more now than I ever did back then. I still have horde toons on that old server and I want to see content from the horde side so I log on over there and am sooo lonely. I miss my people. I can still be in vent but I want to run dungeons with them instead of the LFD strangers that do not talk. Thus I usually swap as soon as my real ID pops that someone is on on that side. This game is a community, a community of very real people. People need and crave socialization. Many people may claim to “hate people” or that “people suck”; we all desire to find “our people”. Social media and online communities give us another outlet to meet this need. We all hate the trolls, and can all be the trolls yet we still come back and enjoy our time with our friends. This is what I know and believe. I am so happy that I have found this outlet and have the opportunity to get to know people from all over. This community is what we make it, make it amazing!

Let me know what you think! Comment or follow me @Jaygurrl on Twitter

 

Peace and Love

Jay

       

Trolls are EVERYWHERE!!!!

So anyone who follows me on twitter or @epic_insanity or @ValkavGaming had the feed a bit spammed as the three of us, well two of us since Epic decided to abstain so he could create a blog post discussing it. See Here. Valkav and I went back and forth about human nature and while we agree on some things I did not feel I could accurately get my point across with the 140 word limit. Also, I wanted to respond to Epic’s blog post. I think this is a fascinating conversation and wanted to keep it going.

        It is important that I share my worldview since I may come at this from a different place than a lot of people. I am a counselor at heart and am in a counselor education program at the moment. I am a humanist, meaning I believe people are inherently good, and I trust that they are doing the right thing. As people we react to the people and world around us. We are trying to meet certain needs anyway we can and that does include the internet “trolls.” People act certain ways for a reason, and while I may not know the reason I try not to react when it is in a rude way. The only person who I can control is me, and I try to remember that. I try not to become a troll in return. How I perceive the behaviors of others also influences if I think they are a troll. I cannot know their intention if I do not ask them. A few weeks ago I was running a dungeon on my lowbie Druid healer. The tank was an Arms warrior without a shield that could not hold aggro to save our lives. Instead of joining in on the beat up this idiot game that was going on I asked him if he was aware that warrior tanks should be prot warriors. He was brand new, this was his first toon and he had no idea. Because the game allowed him to choose tank he assumed that as Arms he can tank. Because I and one other person took the time to actually talk with him he didn’t quit the game over the rude trolls, and he learned something important. It is easy to pick on the newbies, but I am still a noob and make mistakes all the time. We all can be the jerk, and have all been the jerk at some point. I have done it in my real life as well. It is easier to gossip or put someone down to make ourselves feel better, than it is to do the right thing. I try to remember it is a person on the other side with feelings, and hardships that I will never know. We all can be the troll, so maybe how we react to others is what needs to change.

        The question that @ValkavGaming posed involved how anonymity brings out the worst in people and what does that say about human nature. The part that fascinated me was the question of anonymity. Is that what makes some people trolls? Or is it a reflection of their inner selves? As someone who likes the anonymity of the internet, the title of my blog says it all. Does the fact that I am anonymous lure me to use my anonymity for bad? Or are those that use anonymity for bad already rude, hurtful people? I personally feel that it is the latter. I believe that people do not change their personality once they are behind a screen. We may accentuate certain aspects of our personality, such as confidence, humor, or jerkiness because we are less inhibited. Compare it to alcohol, we all know that "mean drunk". We like to say that he/she would never do that if they weren't drunk, however, we all know it is just that part of their personality amplified. The mean drunk can be mean when sober, alcohol just draws it out. Same goes for being a troll when online. The ability to be anonymous draws out the troll tendencies.

     We also live in a culture that is extremely harsh on appearances and personality. If you do not have the right look, or social standing then you are judged harshly and may even be bullied which causes people to withdraw from society. For some people their online friendships have more meaning and are more authentic and valuable than the real life ones. Having been rejected by society many reject it in return. By seeking out online interaction in an anonymous way people are meeting their needs for social acceptance. Now some people who have been bullied may now take this opportunity to bully back, to feel that sense of power. I think that in those situations the nature of the anonymity of the internet does allow for those individuals to meet a need, but did not create the need. There are always people who are just mean and hurtful, you meet them in real life, and you meet them online. I find it hard to believe that someone who is caring and giving in real life turns into a hateful troll when behind a screen. Now someone who acts kindhearted but is really resentful may use anonymity to act out that resent on unaware bystanders. That is a result of their environment. We also have to look at social skills. Some people lack them, and it translates to rude online. There is no evil intent, just a lack of ability to express themselves. We are all people and we bring our baggage and biases with us wherever we go. How we approach the world also dictates what we get back. If we approach others expecting negativity, that is most likely what we will get. When we reinforce our beliefs we remember those things that prove us correct and forget the things that do not unless it is truly extraordinary. 

        My belief is that people who act out negatively online most likely have negative personalities, that the internet did not create their negatively. This is where Epic and I differ, based on his blog his view is that the anonymity of the internet draws out the worst in people. I can see this view and think it is a common one. Maybe I have had an unusual experience where most people I meet online are nice individuals. We all can say rude/mean things; I am not excluded from this. We all have bad days, or are new at a game and are tired of everyone biting our heads off instead of giving helpful advice; which causes us to lash out. We are all people, and even if some people don’t act like it. Remember respect goes a long way. How often do we jump into a random dungeon or looking for raid and do not even say hello. Say hi, if you see someone struggling give helpful advice. I agree with Epic that the best way is to be authentic and helpful to others, you may find you get the same in return. We are all people, in and out of game. As always share your thoughts, leave comments or follow me @Jaygurrl on twitter.

Peace and Love

Jay

Legacy

A week or so ago I read a blog post by Epic Insanity about what his legacy would be. His post was based on a twitter question of a friend of his. Epic's post really hit a chord with me (read it here http://epicinsanity.com/2013/01/18/food-for-thought-legacy/ ). Especially the separation he keeps in his own life. As I have shared previously I do the same thing. Most people that know me in my "real" life do not know I game or the extent that I do. Or how much geek culture I know thanks to my husband and others. Most of my friends would think I lost my mind if they knew I offered to give my hubby Oomaxs (he hit the floor laughing, apparently he assumed I was not paying attention to all the DS9 he was making me watch.) But as usual I am rambling from the point.

What would happen if I died tomorrow? Would I be happy with what I leave behind? Hell no! I do not have enough life insurance for that. I have 2 little kids! I need to get them raised up and responsible and stuff! I want more than anything to be real and authentic with everyone I deal with. If I am in guild chat and talking to my WoW friends I want to be me. I expect and behave the same with my family and friends. The legacy I hope to leave behind is kindness, and acceptance of others. I know this sounds all warm and fuzzy, but I really feel this way. I want a solid future for my minions, and I want to make a difference in people’s lives. I am in graduate school to be a career counselor, and I have been in that field for over 7 years. I am passionate about education and employment. 

The question for me I guess has become; if I am hiding something that really is big part of my identity am I living up to my own expectations of who I am and who I want to be? I say I am honest and authentic, but if I hold a part of me back then I am by definition betraying who I am. This would invalidate my legacy. As I think through this I really think my starting this blog and sharing my ideas here and on twitter is my reaching out to test my true identity, and to become ok with it. Once I am ok and accepting of myself I will be ok owning my whole identity, which builds my legacy. I want to be a great role model for my girls; I want them to be confident, aware of the world, and comfortable with themselves. To be confident we have to love ourselves first. The more I own all of my traits and interests the more I am able to love and accept myself. 

So to bring my rambling to a close, I know what I want my legacy to be. I am not there yet I need more work so I better not be going anywhere. I know I am not the only one who goes through this. Tell me about it, leave a comment or follow me on twitter @Jaygurrl. 

Peace and Love

Jay 

So... You talk to people online?

     More years ago that I would care to admit I first mentioned an online friend to my family. It was a simple conversation and at the time it never phased me that anyone would care that the viewpoint I was sharing came from someone I met online. Boy was I wrong, you would have thought that I told them I was dating a serial rapist, or was going to be kidnapped in the night by a mob of men who stalked the internet for young naive women. I am not saying there aren't people out there who are manipulative and do horrible things to people because there are but they are not the norm. I have met many wonderful caring lifelong friends who I have never seen face to face. And some I have never even heard their voice. I was never a mIRC user, but I did have an account with Collegeclub.com. For those that don't know, in the late 1990s and early 2000s Collegeclub was a social website for college students. It had email, a chat server, forums, etc. This is where I was introduced to chat, and online relationships. Most of us also kept in touch with other forms of instant messaging as. With the mask of the internet I was able to share some of my teenage angst and to care for others who were going through rough times in life. We also shared joy, it was a great time. However, I was made to feel by those in "real life" that these relationships were not as valuable as "real" ones. So I started hiding those relationships more. This is probably when I first started separating out the different parts of my life. My online friends and life vs my real world life. If I never mentioned my online friendships I wouldn't have to justify them.
     I know I am not the only person to have gone through this, but it now annoys the hell out of me. It is so easy to judge something that they have never experienced. I love The Guild webseries, in the first episode when Codex is speaking to her therapist. Codex has a great line when the therapist asks if she had met them face to face. Codex says: "I hear them it's good enough for the blind". Truly it is enough. Words on a screen or a voice through a speaker is as good as time spent in a room together. In my experience some people are more authentic online when they feel like they can be themselves instead of fitting whatever role they think they have to fill. Society can be so harsh when we don't fit into the defined box. This is a battle we all face, even those people we perceive to have it all together and be completely comfortable have insecurities. Because of my insecurities I feel it necessary to keep parts of me hidden from the rest of the world. I guess it comes down to how much I care what they think. If I am confident in who I am and who my friends are it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of my friendship. It just helps to feel supported and understood. I know I am getting there, eventually I will buy a Alliance hoodie and wear it proudly... well maybe. :). What about you? Do you find it hard to share parts of your life with others? Let me know. Leave comments or follow me on twitter @jaygurrl.
     
      

How World of Warcraft Nearly Ruined Yet Saved My Marriage.

       In 2009 my marriage was in serious trouble. We had been together for nearly a decade, had one delightful minion, a daughter, and I was pregnant with our second child. Shortly after we discovered I was pregnant things seemed to go bad. My husband was in school earning his BA, and was not home 3-4 nights a week. On evenings that he was home I would get the minion ready for bed, and once she was down I sat alone in the living room watching T.V. or reading a book while he spent the evening in the office on the computer. Finally one day I went back into the office to see what the hell it is that he does in there. I had assumed he was working on school work. What I found I thought was far worse. He was in there… playing a video game??? WTF! I inquired into what he was doing, he explained he was playing World of Warcraft and had been doing so for a couple months. He really had no idea how hurt and upset I was at finding out he was spending every moment he could on a game; not on his school work or organizing our lives, but a freaking game. I was pissed, here I am pregnant with his gosh darn child and he couldn’t even tell me about this new hobby of his? By hobby I mean obsession. I had never known him to become so absorbed in anything that he ignored everything else. Between his time at school and all the hours he was investing in “Warcraft” it was like I never saw him. Our time was precious and here he was “wasting it”. I was beyond hurt. Once I was aware of what he was doing in that other room I began to get more and more upset. Every night I went to bed alone, hating the game he was playing in the next room. Angry and hurt I went on day by day hoping once I had the lil minion it would get better. I was resentful and silent. I did not tell him I didn’t understand why he would want to play a game other than spend time with me. I did not tell him how often I cried myself to sleep or how I dreaded coming home after a day at work. The silence almost killed us.

        In July 2009 our younger daughter was born, it was a happy time. She was healthy and adorable, at least to us. She had some phantom of the opera style bruising going on. I say it gives her character. But our relationship was the same. Just as distant, we barely spoke other than when it was about the children. I have to give him credit he has never hesitated to help with the kids, baths, diapers, and feedings. He has done it all willingly. That was a big part of why it hurt so badly when our relationship as a couple, as partners was disintegrating. There was such a void between us, we would get the girls ready for bed, and he’d read to the big minion and put her in bed as I nursed the baby. He would play his game while I tended to her, and then at about three weeks she became colicky. That is when all hell broke loose. I slept little he gamed at night the distance just seemed to increase.

Fast forward eight weeks or so, it’s late the lil minion screams the second I put her in her cradle so she is asleep on my chest. I am tired from lack of sleep and I am on the couch being forced to watch some stupid gaming thingy that he bought on pay-per-view. I was very annoyed  and since I didn't have a second T.V. at the time I was stuck in the living room watching blizzcon. I had no clue what Blizzard was, I didn't even know what an MMORPG was. So here I am sitting in the dark with a colicky baby watching the Cataclysm announcement. Now say what you like about the expansion as an outsider that initial trailer looked awesome. At the time I did not want to admit that the game did look interesting to me. How could I have interest in something I hate? Over the next several nights we would watch what had been recorded during the day while attempting to keep the lil minion calm and comfortable. By this time we had moved the computer into our bedroom and had converted the office into a nursery. When I came to bed he would usually be playing, and I started to watch him more and more and I was asking more questions. I have to admit that the game was growing on me and I was secretly interested in it.

Several weeks after blizzcon my hubby mentioned he had noticed my interest and did I want to try it out. So I did, and found much to my shame that I really liked it once I got the hang of it. We eventually got another computer and we started playing side by side. During this time the strangest thing started to happen. I stopped being so mad, I was no longer crying or wanting to leave. The physical proximity of sitting next to each other led to us just feeling close again. We started talking again. I started trusting him again, and actually talking. Our communication was more open, I was no longer so disconnected and unapproachable. It took about a year before we really talked about what had happened, how close to disaster we had been. It is easy for me or any other partner in my situation to blame him, it’s the game, it’s his addiction, he was neglectful, and he was a bad partner. Trust me I did, but once I really looked at it, and we really discussed it we both admitted that we both were at fault. If I had just been open and honest at the start he would have made adjustments, which he did once he knew there was a problem. If he had thought it through he would have known that not talking to your pregnant wife is not a good idea. Which he fully admits now.

The lesson here isn't just play WoW and your relationship will be fixed. (It may help though, just sayin). The point is to be a present in your relationship, own your half of it. If you know you are ignoring those in your life by playing too much, you have the power to fix it. I was the angry passive aggressive wife and through coincidence and happenstance I had my eyes opened to a whole new world, a world I now share with my spouse. Even if I had never picked up the game I owed it to my husband to be open to his hobby and know the joy he gained from it. To help him find the balance he needed. A balance he is much better at now. We are partners we build each other up not cut each other down. We have come so far and I look forward to our future. We like to say that thanks to World of Warcraft we have a future.